Dating Barry Bonds

Having Barry Bonds on your fantasy team is like casually dating a sexy but slutty woman. No matter how much you enjoy the sex, you know it's not heading toward a Happily-Ever-After. But you do know what you're dealing with when you consort with a woman like this. So, from the beginning, you temper your expectations for the relationship. You know what you're going to get out of Bonds. Swap out the cheap sex for cheap HRs. You know you're not going to have a long term relationship - he's flawed and he could be gone any day - carrying with him his own baggage - injuries, failed drug tests, even federal grand juries. Slutty girls usually don't have that many friends, at least not many lookers, and neither does Barry, at least in terms of fellow sluggers in his lineup. Barry may spend most of his year walking, as the lack of friends means no one's driving him around. And even though a towering shot to center when you can get it might take you to some nice places, like the girl you'd only casually date, you can't really count on Bonds paying off on a day-to-day basis. He'll take the day off if he has to stay up late playing ball the night before an afternoon game. He'll act like a bitch in front of your friends. Sometimes he'll flake out completely, and miss a week on what sounds like a weak excuse, like a back strain or the flu. And finally, like the slutty girl, you can't really brag about having Bonds on your roster. To those who don't know baseball but read the papers, they assume that EVERYONE wants Barry on their squads. To those who know baseball, but not fantasy baseball, they think you lovingly embrace the steroid era. And to those who know fantasy baseball, they assume that you haven't been paying attention since 2002. But there's nothing wrong with getting that thing you need for as long as you can. So make hay while the sun shines. Enjoy your dirty Bonds love and hope you can make it to 30 dates (HR). But don't be surprised when his body or his past or his attitude make dropping him the best thing you could do for yourself.